Life, Death, Love and everything...

My father's untimely and unexpected death happened exactly two years ago, and it has never been the same after that. Somehow parents (or parent equivalent people) passing away forces the final plunge into adulthood, how much ever unwilling we are. Adding to my father's sudden departure, the discovery of my mother's early onset Dementia was another blow - changing her character to someone totally unlike the person who brought me up.

That same year a close friend's mother also had a relapse of cancer, and this time it was too late. I still remember the early morning call I got from my friend, announcing the sad news. I hung up, letting the news sink in. I stepped out of my room, where my mother, without knowing or understanding, showered a lot of kisses on me - this was a peculiar moment for me - my friend had lost his mother, and my mother, although the mind is lost, is there for me still expressing her love in ways possible in her now limited and different personality - I end up coming back to this moment many times afterwards, in reflection.

Beyond my younger days, though I had been closer to my father I had rarely expressed my love as kisses or hugs. It was always there, and it was granted, my love for him and his for me. After we had almost lost my mother and saved by a surgery in the nick of time in 2013, I had always been worried about my mother's health, and had ensured that I always went to meet her for her birthday, while never doing the same for my father (I had somewhere assumed he would be there for a much longer time). Now that there is no more the option to express my love, I feel having missed out the chance during the last couple of decades.

And this thought, despite the inability to connect with the person Amma is changing to be due to her illness, at times confuses, and at times makes me appreciate the opportunity to express love to people while they are alive.

Kahan Se Kahan Tak

At school amongst my friends I spoke the worst Hindi. Add to that the fear of being teased by friends whenever I made a mistake, and I seldom attempted to speak in Hindi. At Kendriya Vidyalaya we had to learn Hindi Course A till class 10, which is originally designed for native Hindi speakers. As I went into 11th standard, I thought of Hindi and Biology as good riddance.

Later when I made trips to other parts of the country I did realize the language's importance and advantage over English in many parts of the country. In many occasions, out of compulsion I became more and more confident of speaking in Hindi.

The culmination of all this happened recently when I was in Maharashtra which uses a common script with Hindi and uses Devnagari digits instead of the international numerals. Since I had no choice, I re-learnt what I had chosen not to study in my school days. Finally, at a function I made a full fledged presentation speaking in Hindi. My hindi teacher would have been proud!

The Ten Percent Driving Factor

I've recently discovered that I am bored 90% of the time. It is the other 10% of the time when I get excited that keeps me going.

This 10% has come from different things at different times. The key is in having something to make up the ten percent, which drives the 90% boredom out.

Wedding - The 'comeback' post

I've off the blogosphere for quite some time now - I just now realized that I haven't blogged after my wedding! I'd wanted to blog a few times but then the lazybone in me got better of me. Let me start off my 'comeback' with my thoughts on my own wedding.

For the first time in my life I was thankful to belong to the caste I come from - every other time, it was disappointing to see financially better off people get ahead in admissions and appointments due to their caste. I'm digressing - the point about Malayali Nair weddings is that they are over in a matter of 15 minutes. Some of my friends from outside Kerala who attended my wedding were surprised to find how short the wedding was.

The only tough thing about the wedding was posing for the photographers. What made things worse for me was the fact that the photographer was a family friend - which meant I couldn't shout at him. My funda was (my folks blame my MBA for thinking like this) that I was the customer in this case (of the photographer) and that he was to do my bidding. Sadly this was not the case and me & my wife were made to smile awkwardly, tilt faces by 20 degrees to the right and what not by these bunch of people wielding those heat generating arc-lights. Many times, it appeared as if I was acting out a movie directed by these photographers - on some occasions, these chaps did order a 're-take'.

Afterwards when I got the video of our wedding I realized that it served two purposes: one, a comedy movie for everyone to laugh at the expense of the lead pair, and two, for some people to use as some sort of a register to find out who all came for the wedding.

One important lesson that I learned was about wedding gifts. It was specifically mentioned in wedding invites from both my side as well as my wife's side to avoid gifts. In spite of that I have ended up with at least 15 sets of cups, three dinner sets, many clocks, etc. I now believe that if at all I have to give a gift, I would give as cash (Gift vouchers are even more painful). Or it must be discussed openly with the recipient and purchased accordingly. I got some very useful household items as gift from close relatives and it worked out well because they got it confirmed from my side that no one else was getting me the same gift.

That's a pretty long post already... Signing off for now.

Wedding Sari blues

"There are only four types of saris. The cream ones, the blue ones, the green ones, and the maroon ones." said my friend Sethu, circa 2002. I'm in total agreement with him. I am still clueless when my mom gets confused over buying one from two saris, both of which look the same to me!

With the wedding preparations getting into the groove, I am being bombarded with questions about the sari for the bride. One conversation with my cousin (sister) went on like this: -

Chechi [elder sister]: Have you bought the sari?

Me: Yes, mom said she bought it in Trivandrum

Chechi: What's the colour?

Me: athu onnum ennikku arinjooda chechi, ammede aduthu chodikkanam [I dont know all that, must ask mom]

Chechi: So you didn't get to see the sari?

Me: No, it was bought after I left Trivandrum last. Anyway, as far as men are concerned, all saris are the same

Chechi: That's not true. If you see a beautiful lady in sari, wouldn't you turn your head?

Me: That has got nothing to do with the colour of the sari.

Chechi: It has.

Me: No, it is just what's inside the saris that make us turn our heads!

Chechi: njan ariyathe paranjatha, ini avarthikkilla [I asked unknowingly, please forgive me, I wouldn't repeat this!]

Poor Chechi. Her impression about me as the studious quiet guy would have been shattered. There was more fun due for me. The same evening I chatted with one of my female friends. It also went on similar lines: -
Friend: Amma said ur mom said saree edukan povukayanennu, edutho? [my mom said your mom is going to buy wedding saris, did you guys buy?]

Me: eduthu. [Yes, bought]

Friend: what colour

Me: what color? how dare u ask me such a question?

me: u definitely are bringing shame to our years old friedship

Friend: poda, tell me...

me: i dont know!!

Friend: don't tell me u didnt ask

me: amma bought sari yesterday. Her family bought a violet one, so this one is probably not violet

Friend: :)), poda, u didn't ask alle[right]? koranaga [monkey]

Me: how come it took u so long to realize?

Gurudakshina

Since I have met one of my school teachers and spoken over phone to another two in the last three days, it is time now for another nostalgic post.

The teacher I met taught me maths at Kendriya Vidyalaya (KV). I and my friends were 'outstanding' students in more than one way - in the same period, we would get praised for quickly solving a tough maths problem (outstanding), and soon be sent out of the class as punishment for talking in the class (standing out).

One of the other teachers I spoke to today was our class teacher in tenth standard. She is one of the most sportive teachers I have ever met. Once one of my artistically gifted classmates had drawn a picture of devil on the blackboard. He couldn't erase the picture before this teacher came to class. When she sat down on her chair, the picture was directly behind her and the whole class started laughing. She turned at look at the picture and asked, "Is that me?" "Yes ma'am", the whole class replied, though the artist never meant it that way. "Good drawing skills" was her remark, without any anger. In contrast, out physics sir would have given a sound thrashing to the poor chap, and the whole class would have to listen to a lecture on 'showing respect to teachers'. How ironical that by her reaction she more than won our respect.

Looking back, I realise that this same teacher was also one who practiced management principles in school (we didn't realise it then - performance based incentives, mentoring, 360 degree performance appraisal, etc were unknown terms to us then). Our seating arrangement in the class was decided by her as the class teacher - anyone who scored full marks in maths uni test (the subject she taught) could have a seat of his/her own choice till the next unit test - performance incentive. She arranged students in such a way that a bright student was seated next to a no-so-bright student, so that the brighter students could mentor the others. At any point in time during her class, if anyone felt that she was not teaching properly, or was deviating from the topic, one could raise his/her hand and tell it openly (360 degree performance appraisal).

Today I spoke to her after many years as I had got her number only 2 days back. I could feel the excitement in her voice. I asked her how it was at the KV she taught now. "It's the same... every year old faces pass out and new faces come in. Once in a while I get calls from old students, which makes me happy. Hearing from old students - that is the best gift you can give to your teachers".

I dedicate this post to all the teachers who helped me make who I am. My parents give full credit to my teachers for all the marks I scored in school, as I seldom studied at home.

3rd Day's Play - thru chat

Below is an excerpt from a chat I had with my friend (who is now pursuing higher studies in the USA), about my experience at M A Chidambaram cricket stadium, Chennai, on 28 March 2008

Me: 42 fours, 5 sixes
Friend: !!!
thalle kalippu [cannot be translated, other than to an extreme expression of surprise]
Me: the shots look a lot better when u see directlyand this innings was without flaws - unlike his earlier triple ton
Friend: wow
Me: no lives gifted by the SA team
Friend: I'm very very happy for you... and a bit sad/jealous that I couldn't be there with
you...
Me: :D
u shlda been here
u may not believe - i did mexican waves, used bottles to drum-cheer, boo-ed,
cheered....
Friend: ha ha ha...
Me: esp to see history made, the typical sehwag shots
as far as i can compare based on hearsay - its like watching rajini movies 1st
day 1st show in a b-grade theatre
Friend: he he he
Me: crowd was amazing man
we never had expected a triple ton this morning
Friend: ::)
Me: when sehwag was on 95, he played a lofted four to get to 99then one dot - u musta felt the crowd roar, and then say oh...when arnd 50k ppl do itit is something
Friend: mmmm ::)
Me: and then another lofted four to get to 103
Friend: and the inevitable roar
Me: the whole 50k were on their feet... rather in air!
Friend: ha ha ha including you
Me: the same happened for 200
Friend: wow
Me: ya incl me! then for 300, it was likefrom 291 - massive six to 297
Friend: wwwow
Me: then two dots...that time the stadium was shouting 'sehwag, sehwag...'
Friend: mmm
Me: and then three singles
Friend: ha ha ha
Me: followed by deafening roar
Friend: he he he he
Sabari: one protean spinner bowled almost the whole day
Friend: ?
Me: that chap kept on bowling a difficult line (described by many as a negative
line)
Friend: who was the poor guyohh really
Me: name's harris... i didnt know him till today
Me: a few overs later, sehwag was hitting him all over the field, with reverse
sweeps
Friend: ha ha hahow long did this go on for?
Me: most of the afternoontill stumps
Me: there was a huge contrast between dravid and sehwag
technically the wall played well
Friend: and I'd say Dravid did the right job too
Me: but it stopped us from watching the little master
Friend: ahangaaram paadilla
His role was to give shewag company and rotate the strike, which he'd done admirably well
Me: he took 68 from a painfully slow 168 balls
Friend: it would have been utter foolishness to try to score faster with Shewag going the way
he was
Me: :D
true
Friend: I'd say Dravid did his job very
any other player in his position would've done the sameFriend: maybe expcept for an aussie
Me: but for purely selfish reasonswe wanted the little master and the bengal tiger on the field before EOD
Friend: ha ha haah angaaaram
Me: dravid wld waste away a full over with dot balls, playing perfect textbook shot,
rotating the fielders with each ball
next sehwag wld face the same bowler and punish him to fence with panache
Friend: he he he kshemi nammude dravid alle onnu kshemi
Me: pattilla the crowded cheered whenever sachin was showed on the screen all padded up ;-)
Friend: :)potte tto
Me: the first 50 partnership between them, dravid made 7
Friend: ha ha ha
Me: in the second 50 partnership, he made 4!!!!
Friend: what patience!
Me: ya, patience of the crowd!
Friend: he he he eggchatly
Me: saw gopumon also in the nets
Friend: ?
Me: gopumon - for the un-initiated - is the pet name of one and only sreesanth....
popularized by malayala manorama
malayala manorama had headlines screaming something to the effect that gopumon
saved teh twenty20 for india
Me: for the last over catch
Friend: !!!my god
Friend: embarassing
Me: saw bengal tiger and jumbo jogging around the ground after the days play, before
the police shoo-ed us away
Friend: mmmm
Me: irfan pathan and robin singh gave some fielding practice to the ball boys during
the session breaks
Friend: mmm
Me: btw u wldnt mind if part of this chat finds itself in an update to my blog?
Friend: No, I don't
Me: :D
Friend: :)Somewhere during this chat, you became a kid again
Me: i was one for teh whole day!

Watching a cricket match - directly

There are a few updates due from me, including about my wedding next month – but then this post can’t wait. I watched Sehwag hit the triple ton, at Chepauk! The experience can’t be properly described in words – one has to be there to fully understand the feelings.

It’s been more than three years since I relocated to Chennai, and I missed quite a few matches – the first one I bought ticket for was washed out in the floods of 2005. Though I had to wait another three years for it, it was worth the wait. And the chance came all of a sudden too – since I was in Thiruvananthapuram for the past ten days (as my Grandpa had a surgery – that’s another post pending), I was not following cricket. I realized about the match only yesterday when I was back in Chennai. So I made quick plans this morning to go and watch the 3rd day’s play of the first test match between India & South Africa.

I was lucky to get ticket – the stadium was packed (surprising for a test match). Then came the wonderful feat by Sehwag – scoring 300 a second time in his career. The mood inside the stadium was exhilarating, cheering on the team in whatever means possible. It was interesting to note how people who were total strangers could execute Mexican waves in seconds. Some others improvised on horns and other ‘instrumentals’.

It was disappointing not to see Sachin Tendulkar play as India lost only one wicket throughout the whole day. The crowd was disappointed with Rahul ‘Wall’ Dravid. Though he played his role well, his slow innings was frustrating. Moreover, this meant we couldn’t get to see Sachin, Dravid & Laxman play. The crowd cheered whenever Sachin was shown on the screens, and sometimes boo-ed when Dravid played dot ball after dot ball.

India had a great day, piling 460+ runs for the loss of just one wicket. We had our consolation when we most Indian players, including Sachin came out for net practice. It was a day well spent, and I fully enjoyed the day forgetting everything else.

A Good Deed

As I and my friends came out for tea during break time, we found the local street dogs chasing a car like mad. We were wondering what all this commotion was, and then realized that a puppy was run over by that car.

The puppy was crying in pain. The many people around the tea shop looked at the dog sympathetically but didn't do anything. We too didn't know of any vet docs. While all of us returned for our classes, my friend Suraj who didn't have class at that time looked up on the internet and located a vet in the neighbourhood. With the help of a chap at the tea shop, he took the puppy to the vet. The puppy got medical care and is now alright.

This act of my friend made me very glad - though most of us sympathized with the puppy's condition, only he took pains to get care to the stray puppy. I'm proud of you my friend!

Grandma - now only in memories

I was sitting in the library idling away till the next lecture when dad called me asked me whether I could get a flight to Trivandrum before evening. I immediately understood the bad news. When I was leaving last time, I couldn't get any response from her. There was only one reassuring sound coming from her - that of her breathing. I was very sad, and most mornings I dreamt that I was talking to Ammumma - only to wake up and be disappointed that it was only a dream.A few days that Grandma had become so weak that she had to be put on nasal feeding. Though this brought back some energy into her now frail body, it were not to last very long.

While waiting for the plane, I called up home and was told that cremation is to happen only the next day, and the body would be kept in the morgue till then. It was a tough night, with very less scope for private grief as there were a lot of relatives staying overnight.

In the morning, as the body was brought home, I found it tougher to hold back emotions, at the same time, being nice to the people who were pouring in. Grace had returned to Ammumma's face, and her face looked very peaceful, as though she was sleeping. One good thing I felt was that she didn't have to struggle in the ICU wards of any hospital - she was in her room, in the very house she loved so much till her last hour. And, on her last journey to the hospital, she was lying on her son (my uncle)'s lap.

Her absence in the house is something very difficult to come to terms with, after having lived with her for many years. I was her pet grandchild, one of the very few people she listened to, and was the one who ran most of her errands till I left for Chennai.

Ammumma, your house is very empty without you.

When the hunters become the hunted

MBAs, especially those majoring in Marketing Management are supposed to influence others' buying and increase sales, and not by buying things on their own, right?
Sometime last week, we had a course in Consumer Behaviour, where we looked at various ways of connecting to the buyers' emotions, and about providing an 'experience' as opposed to a 'product'.

[That week, at Sathyam Cinemas, during advertisements before the movie began:]

Me: That ad was wonderful right? The emotion of happiness felt was conveyed excellently. Brilliant piece of creativity!
My Friend: Was it? To me it was just an ordinary ad. Maybe because I don't have an MBA

[Two days later, dinner is planned with friends (who also are part of the same consumer behaviour course) at a restaurant in Adyar]

My friend, suddenly calls me up on phone: Sabari, change of plans... we're not going to that restaurant... We'll have dinner at Cafe Coffee Day...
Me: Coffee Day? Dinner???
Friend: Yes... come fast...we're almost there.... click

At coffee day, I ask him: Why suddenly dinner at coffee day? Don't tell me you were inspired by the case study on 'Starbucks Experience'...
My friend grins.

Are MBAs more gullible consumers?

An unexpected trip home

With strict rules at the institute regarding leave, I kept on ignoring small fevers - till it got real bad, and seeing 104 degrees. And when one blood test showed positive for a variety of dengue I decided that it is time to go home for a break.

Back home, it was diagnosed as malaria. Malaria or dengue, all I was worried about was getting the fever down. Thankfully, medicines for malaria seems to have some effect, and I have now seen the right side of 100 degrees, after so many days.

Thanks to this fever (all its inconveniences notwithstanding), I got a much needed break from hectic activities. Being at home and getting home food is definitely doing good to me.The disappointing part of my visit home has been my grandmother's health. She had a fall two months back, breaking her thigh bone near her hips, and she had undergone a surgery. She was recovering the last time I met her, but now her condition has worsened. Other than recognising me, she hardly spoke, and replied in monosyllables. Thats very much unlike of her. I am finding this drastic change of character almost unacceptable. It's like it is not grandma but someone else. I do hope that she gets to her normal self again, and is able to walk again.

So Far So Good

It is now close to three months since my one year MBA began. These three months have been quite interesting, with me slowly finding the groove. Initially it was tough to get back to studies mode after three years of work.

Looking back, I miss the following about my office: -
- My Team, and my friends
- The monthly paycheck: There is no longer the feel good factor whenever the date nears 30th!
- Coffee and snacks breaks
- Leave (such a thing is not in the dictionary of a fast track MBA program)
- Playing TT in the evenings

But these are more than compensated by the following at my b-school: -
- Making new friends, meeting new people
- the very fact of being back at school. At 24, this is the closest I can get to school life
- reliving school college style: studying only on the eve (sometimes only mornings) of exams, watching movies on the day before exam, etc

It has been great going so far, and the grades are also looking fine so far. I am hoping to carry forward both the fun part and the grades part throughout the year :-)

Finding Myself

One thing I knew even before joining a b-school was that making decisions forms the key to almost everything. Especially when it comes to making decisions which can have life long impacts. As someone who always let things “fall in place” than decide, it does not feel good when confronted with more and more decision making – deciding on major specialization, minor specialization, topic for empirical study, topic for Autumn internship, what not.

The underlying question, the answer to which could simplify a lot of decision-making, is what I want to do in life for a profession. Something which I would love doing, and give me a comfortable (not luxurious) pay. An industry where I don’t feel like a misfit, in spite of being above average. Something that would also give me enough time to spend with my family, similar to what my parents could give me.

Introspection only adds to the confusion. When I was in fifth standard, gazing at the night sky through the simple telescope I made with my father’s help, I dreamt of being an astronaut, dreaming of walking in space. In 6th standard, after reading about the Wright brothers and their aeroplane, I dreamt of making my own single seater and flying it.

An overdose of newspapers fascinated me, and bringing out a handwritten gossip tabloid in my class, I felt like a natural journalist in seventh standard. Eighth standard saw me conform to the standard Malayali ambition of becoming a doctor. In ninth standard, after having assembled a stereo cassette player I was sure that I wanted to be an electronics engineer.


In tenth standard, reading the adventure tales of James Bigglesworth by Capt W E Johns, I wanted to join the Indian Air Force as a pilot – a dream cut short by flat feet and myopia. For 11th standard, I didn’t even consider the non-science streams (the general perception in Kerala is that only those who don’t get science stream go to arts and commerce). When it came to choosing between Biology and Computer Science, arbitrarily I chose computer science because I didn’t want to learn biology (that despite being born to two avid botanists). The same repeated two years later, when I chose Computer Engineering.


Through my years in engineering, I could compile a list of jobs I would not want to do, Software Engineer topping the list. Upon finishing engineering, a computer engineer couldn’t be anything but a software engineer, hence I spent three years in the IT industry, often feeling like a misfit, in spite of being an above average programmer.

I needed a change, and here I am, in a b-school, trying to figure out where to go from here. One comforting feeling is that I am not the only confused soul around here. I do feel good that at least I know and accept that I am confused, whereas there are many who don’t. It remains to be seen whether things continue to fall in place, or whether a b-school will make me more proactive.

Back to School

This post has been in the offing for quite some time, but due to many reasons never got typed in.

After nearly 3 years in the IT industry, I am going back to school. School, and not college because I am joining a one year fast track MBA program, which packs so much into a single year that there are no breaks, holidays, or weekends.

No more monthly visits to God's own country or home sweet home. No more the luxury of eating food cooked by Amma once a month. No more 'decent' pay of the IT industry - back to student life, 'thozhil rahitha vidyarthi'(unemployed student) as we say in Malayalam. To use an exaggeration, joining a jail for rigourous imprisonment where there is no parole!

On the brighter side, this course would open up a lot more avenues and wider options in my professional life. What remains to be seen is whether this one year turns out to be fruitful in finding myself - something that never happened for in the IT industry.