Amma.

Something I had written and kept in drafts for more than two years, when Amma was hospitalised a few months before she passed away:

I've been living with the fear of losing Amma for a long time now. It's another matter that she's no longer the person who brought me up, rather a very weak person who is just about aware of the fact that what she is now is not even a shadow of what she used to be. 

It's reached a point where I no longer know how to differentiate between whether a feeling is an intuition or paranoia. There's the selfish desire to somehow extend her life as much as possible so that there's an anchor to my own life, at the same time the sadness that comes in seeing her suffer and not wanting her to suffer more. 

Last few weeks have been particularly challenging, and I've been consciously avoiding travel to levels that I've never done before. 

Amidst all these fears I think I'll list out some positives:

- I can confidently say both me and Amma have been the best we could be to the other, throughout our lives (something I may not be able to completely and confidently say regarding how I was with my father - I wish I could've done more for him, though in all likelihood he'd be proud of me despite my shortcomings) 

- I realise that if I'm given a choice for another birth, I'll again choose the same parents, same country, same state, same religion.

And therefore: 

Rather than worry about losing her, I'll focus on doing my best for her qualitatively while she is alive, and accept that there are things beyond us. Whenever it's time for her God willing let it be smooth for her with minimal suffering, with her having the satisfaction that she played her role well in this world, to me for sure, and that I've tried my best to be the same for her. Let her happily go to Krishna whenever Krishna feels is the best time. I'll prioritise what in my judgement feels like the best to do, and not regret it. 

I'm blessed to have her as my mother.